To look at Chris, you really wouldn't think there is anything wrong with him. Not really. It just seems to be this giant list of teeny little piddly things that just add up.

We had an appointment today with Dr. West, Chris's surgeon. We weighed him and he was 25 pounds, 6 ounces. That was actually up 2 ounces from the First Steps nutritionist weight we did here 2 1/2 weeks ago. However, Dr. West was not happy. She did like the fact that according to their records (their last recorded weight was August and he was 26 pounds, 1 ounce) he'd lost half a pound. She didn't like that. She didn't like that he hasn't been being tube fed. I've only heard Dr. West yell once, at Chris when he was going for the Biohazard Trash. She's a quiet woman, and for her to yell, well, you stop. Chris stopped. Today, she was not happy, she didn't yell, but she spoke with a certain level of frustration and quiet that reminded me of Eric. I know Eric's quiet frustration voice, and it means he's not happy. Dr. W. was not happy with us. With me.

The only bit of good news that we got was the scoop on closing the feeding tube, which will apparently consist of pulling it during clinic hours, and sending us home. It will close on it's own. (That actually made sense given how adament they are about us not letting the button fall out and getting the sub back in quickly.) She doesn't want to close it anytime soon. She wants us to ramp back up the Tube Feedings. I hate tube feedings. She wants a 3 day feeding study. It had been so refreshing to stop recording every single bite he took. It was nice to just let him eat what he wanted. Sure I'd force him to at least try a bite of whatever we were eating for dinner, but if he didn't want green lasagna, I didn't force it. It's been nice. If he doesn't want dinner, we let him down, and we eat. Not necessarily in peace, but more peace than when we have to battle him. She says winter is no time for him to be losing weight, the stress on the body makes him more susceptible to illness. Hmmm... like the last month he spent with a cold? She was offering up all kinds of suggestions. (I guess I can forgive and understand, she missed out on the suggestion round that the nutritionist, feeding team and developmental pediatricians tried) Put butter on this, or peanut Butter, dip anything he eats into something fattier. She suggested putting pudding powder into cool whip or dream whip for a fruit dip. (Something she keeps on hand for parties.) But the pudding is supposed to bulk up. I just feel like we're hopping back on the same old bandwagon, getting back into trying all the same old stupid tricks that didn't work a year ago, and just caused us to make more messes, and throw more food away. I told her how he doesn't like the messes. But we'll try. I guess we'll try again.

I'm sorry Chris. I'm sorry that I just let you eat or drink whatever you wanted because I was lazy and was so tired of fighting you at every meal. I'm sorry that I didn't want to "mess" with your feeding tube, or to risk the puking mess that so often follows. I'm sorry that you may not be gaining weight because I'm not forceful enough. I'm sorry.